The Year Wrapped Continued
The previous post was basically all highlights from the last year. Moments in time where activities were accomplished, boxes checked off, or serendipitous events ended well. What I didn't write about was all the lows in the year. The other sides of my life that are less bright, shoved into the shadows of memory.
I forget sometimes that social media and a lot of what people see and hear nowadays are only the golden, photo-worthy moments. Life isn't perfect. Thinking that it is or expecting things to be good 100% of the time is unrealistic, as sad as that may sound. I don't want my blog to reflect the dangerous mindset that happiness needs to be a constant state. You don't always have to be having adventures, laughing with friends, or winning a race to feel like you're being successful in this game we call "Life" (not the board-game version).
In our society especially, we use comparisons to see how far we’ve come, where we should go, and if we’re on track to our goals. However, comparing yourself to others is a dangerous mind game that I fall prey to more often than I care to admit. Comparison often lead to feelings of inferiority, imposter syndrome, dissatisfaction, and other unhealthy thoughts. I’m trying to get to the point where I only compare myself to others or the person I want to be if the space between me and that person inspires me. For some people that gap is terrifying. Don't be discouraged if you're not where you were in the past, or thought you should be in the present, or have no idea how to get to the future version you want to be.
Only focusing on idealized parts of life is frankly unrealistic, which is why I wanted to write an extra post about all the "less than glamourous" moments that happened this year. While part of me doesn't want to put some of these trains of thought onto the world wide web, I hope it's helpful for some people to recognize that no one has a perfect life.
A slight disclaimer before I begin, I understand that I am very privileged to be where I'm at right now as a young, white, cis-woman going to college in the United States. I don't have to worry about running out of water, heat and electricity, or other basic needs. Also, please don't take my examples the wrong way, everyone has different experiences and backgrounds that shape who they are. No two people have walked the same path in the same shoes. If we did, life would be very boring indeed. There are eight billion people in the world right now, each with a different story to tell. My voice is just one in a sea of many, and you have your own voice too, remember listen to it as well as everyone else’s.
Less glamourous events of my year included (but were not limited to) hours spent in the car, getting from one place to the next. Sleeping, which takes up a large portion of human lifetimes, especially if we hit the goal of 7-9 hours/night. (Though it could be argued that sleep can be pretty interesting, personally I’ve had some very trippy dreams.) Studying (a lot). Mindless hours lost to my phone, on social media, movies, etc. Times when I’m so done with the world I flop on the ground and stare at the ceiling or sky for a while.
Small things that don’t seem like that big of a deal looking back but in the moment were disappointing. Plans cancelled. Being stood up. Let down by people I thought I could count on, or at least count on to send a text saying they couldn’t make it instead of me calling them to ask where they were.
Emotional situations. Arguments. Times where I’ve snapped at loved ones when I’m in a bad mood and felt like a terrible human being after. Wanting to punch something (or someone), repeatedly. Hating myself for feeling all of these negative emotions of jealous, anger, fear, frustration, and hatred itself. Madness at the endless circle life seems to be, where the same problems keep popping up, just slightly changed and harder to overcome. Sitting alone at lunch and wondering why I’m such a loser. All the negative self-talk running in my head on repeat like a broken record. Unhealthy comparisons to others, like seeing people happy and in relationships then feeling bad about myself for not being like that, having those connections. It was especially bad after I broke up with my first real boyfriend. The feeling of my heart being torn into pieces before, during, and after the process. The weeks after trying to sew those pieces back together, only to have a thread snagged by some emotion and the wound ripped open anew. Wanting him to be happy, sad that we no longer make each other happy.
Stressed nights pacing back and forth, going on a walk and turning into a run, or running up and down stairs just to blow off some steam. Panic attacks. Heart racing, heavy breaths, lungs tightening, gasping because I can’t breathe. Crying silently because I don’t want anyone else to hear. (I’m an ugly crier and hate it when other people see me tear up). Speed walking to the bathroom, stumbling into someone I know on the way and trying to keep face long enough before they leave and I can lock the stall and burst into tears. Going to the pool or lake and sticking my head underwater to scream in frustration where no one but except some very concerned fish can hear me.
Physical sensations, or lack thereof when my fingers go numb for hours from the cold snow or freezing rain. Aches in my body. Sharp pain in my neck that menthol patches can only partially sooth. Tightness in my shoulders that doesn’t go away, even after an hour of yoga or self-massage. My body not doing what I want it to, not being able to control my limbs. Wanting to claw my stomach out or take a knife and carve myself into the ideal person, hacking away all the pieces I don’t like and throwing them in the trash.
Regretting things I didn’t do. Not asking to sit with someone at lunch, letting go of a door when I could’ve held it a moment longer, pretending not to see someone. Feeling left out. Alone. No, actually I don’t mind being alone (I’m an introvert), I just hate feeling lonely. The lack of choice between having human contact and feeling like you’re the only one in a room full of people.
A lot is less than perfect. And a lot is. Most of these lows of life are often tied in with fear. Most of my fears are "fictional" rather than "factual", meaning that I will still be alive if some of those fears come to pass. Dr. Mary Poffenroth describes fictional fear as containing "a nugget of truth in it, [but] most of it is just made up." She explains that most fictional fears are rooted in the belief of being not enough or not being in control. Some fictional fears include missing a due date on an assignment and failing a class, possibly losing a job, embarrassment, loneliness, etc.
Factual fears are in your face, you could die situations like almost falling off Mt. Mansfield, cutting my hand and bleeding out or getting an infection, forgetting my inhaler and dying from lung failure when being chased by a bear (if the bear didn't catch me first).
Fear and stress are different terms for the same emotion. Yet somehow everyone seems to admit, and sometimes relish, in the fact that they are stressed but rarely admit to being afraid. There’s a really good Ologies podcast by Allie Ward about Fearology, which is where the quote above is from.
Our minds like to circle back to the negative emotions, but it’s important to try and remember the positives. That change is gradual. That life isn’t actually going in circles but spirals, where at each point you revisit you’ve grown more since the last time that problem appeared. Appreciate the small things in life. The fact that you are alive. That you are breathing. You have so much potential within you, whether you are two, twelve, twenty, or eighty, you have the power to change your life. Life is what you make it. It’s all about perspective, so how do you want to perceive your life? Do you want to remember only the highs? Feel like you’re on the top of the world all the time? Or will you peer back into the shadows sometime and see the stars in the darkness? For their light could not be seen if there was constantly sunshine. Being able to contrast the good days with bad will make those good days all the more precious and worth living for. Will you face your fears and take the jump, risking a fall but knowing that if you don’t you may never see the beauty that lies below?