Building Community

One of the largest struggles I experienced my freshman year of college (and still deal with) is finding community. I'm not gonna lie: first semester of freshman year is rough. You have to deal with a bunch of life changes at once, while being in that weird 'yes you're an adult and can vote but can't rent a car by yourself yet' transition phase. A major part of dealing with that struggle is building a new community-trying to find your group, where you feel at home, a place where you are loved and accepted.

I started college by jumping right into the deep end. The end of August rolled around and I left the cozy safety net of my hometown of South Dakota that I had lived in for fifteen years and drove cross-country with my parents to my new life in Vermont. We got to school a day before all the other freshman, where I had my school orientation day right before freshman initiation began that night. My parents left shortly after, and I was on my own.

I knew no one else at school. Or in town. Or anyone in the entire state, actually. I was alone in a class of 2,500 fellow freshmen, 12,000ish students on campus, and a town of 42,000 people.

My experience was not unique, as many students are shocked with the sudden realization that their whole world has changed. Their support system is gone (or at least distance), and they have to figure out how to deal with it all...

Classes. Making friends. Forming relationships. How to take care of yourself. Learning how hard that can be. Some didn't know how to do their laundry. Others were trying to learn the new language their peers spoke. Trying to figure out how to deal with stress, fear, loneliness. Trying to embrace the times filled with laughter, the moments of connection, the feeling of learning something meaningful or knowing what you're doing can actually make a difference in the world.

With every big move or transition comes an uprooting and rethinking of how to live your life. Navigating the landscape to figure out where you should put down roots and grow. I lived in the same town for most of my life, so going to a college over 2,000 miles away from home was a huge change for me. One of the biggest factors that has helped me adjust has been building connections with people. In school with my peers, in the town, and maintaining connections with those back home.

Finding a friend group that really fit me has a long process and is still shifting to this day. People move in and out of each others lives as change is inevitable. Some relationships you want to hold onto, others you're fine with letting go, and some slip away even while you're trying hard to hold on.

For me making new friends was a multi-faceted process. I tried to get over my shy, introverted ways and just put myself out there. Going to club meetings, talking with that girl who sat next to me in class, swinging by events (school or social) and see what's going on, who else is there.

It may be intimidating, but don't be afraid to walk up to people and introduce yourself. Sit with strangers at lunch (it helps if you recognize at least one of them from class or clubs, which makes it easier to start a conversation if you've had at least one shared experience together). Don't let fear get the better of you. Be awkward. Laugh. If it doesn't go well, oh well. You tried.

(If you couldn't tell, I'm of the opinion that it's better to have tried and failed than to have never tried at all and be left wondering what would have happened if you had taken the leap.)

The same sort of connection building can be applied to your larger community as well. Go to the farmer's market, talk with the person in line in front of you or that guy sitting at the bus stop. Try going to a community dance (contradance folks are very friendly), or a religious service if that's your jam, or even volunteer if you have some extra free time. On a walk? Try striking up a conversation with the couple who owns that really cute fluffy dog that loves to be petted by friendly humans. If nothing else, you get to pet a dog.

A few disclaimers about building community: It can be hard. It takes time. It may not, actually probably to definitely will not, work out the way you envision. That's ok. Go with the flow, try to have fun with it. Don't be worried if things don't work out the first or second or third time. And remember it's ok to be alone. As an introvert I can tell you there's nothing wrong with stepping back and having some 'me'/self-care time. Recharge time from people is important. (Balance is another challenge I've been struggling with, but that's for a later blog post.) Humans are amazing, but they can also be very annoying (myself included).

Remember there is a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. Personally, I don't mind being alone if it's on my terms, but oh boy does FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) hit hard when it's not my decision to be solo.

I still have moments when I feel like I'm the only one on this Earth who is going through [insert emotion/dramatic life event] like this even though I know with eight billion people on the planet, chances are pretty high that someone else has had the same experience as me. Which is both humbling and inspiring. We are unique in the sense that the conglomeration of all of our experiences, actions, attitudes, beliefs, and desires is what make us who we are. But we are also connected to everyone else in some why by how similar those experiences, actions, attitudes, beliefs, and desires are to our fellow humans. We may not all share the same array of events that have shaped us into who we are today, that's what makes us unique. However, we can find solidarity in the fact that somewhere out there is a person who understands what you are going through, as they are or have been through it too. You are not alone.

Just think about all the people who have been in your life. All of those who have touched you or have been touched by you.Though distance may divide us, though our courses may change, in the end all rivers meet the ocean.

This post has started going off on a philosophical tangent as my blogs often seem to do, so I'll end with the actual Led Zeppelin quote the previous line was inspired by.

"And though the course may change sometimes, rivers always meet the sea."

(From the song: Ten Years Gone)