An Emotional Rollercoaster

I recently listened to the Brene Brown podcast "Permission to Feel" with Dr. Marc Brackett and it forced me to realize that I've been feeling a lot of feelings lately...and have been avoiding processing them. Which is not a helpful way to deal with emotions, as I have found from experience that avoiding your problems only allows them to fester and manifest into greater problems than they originally were. In general, I'd say I'm a fairly emotionally intelligent person. I try to journal each night and in my nightly pages I include a brief section about the overall feelings or "vibe" of the day. As in, was I overall excited, anxious, content, nonchalant, or some mix based off of what events came about or what thoughts were circling through my head. I try to pause throughout the day to just breathe if I notice I'm getting anxious or stressed about something that's going on in my life, or pause to savor the moments of happiness or even just content with where I'm at during that time.

Since the pandemic began, it seems as though I've been feeling emotions a hundred fold. And not necessarily positive ones. Social isolation, disappointment, fear, anxiety, sadness and immense yearnings for things that were or could have been and are not...all spiral through like a merry-go-round of rambunctious characters in my mind. Plans have gone awry a thousand times over. Uncertainty hangs in the air like a buzzard circling a dog without water wandering in the dessert months away from any oasis. While hope and joy can be found even in darker times (just check out the "Some Good News" youtube channel highlighting all of the positives that happened in the early days of the pandemic), the sadness and fear can weigh on your soul.

As someone who's struggled with various issues in the past, I know the importance of facing your fears and how even taking small steps to fight off the demons in your mind can bring relief. Lately, there's definitely been more positives as the summer weather has brought hope for brighter days and with people getting more used to social distancing, I've found outdoor activities like social distanced picnics have been a great way for connecting with friends and finding some much needed laughter.

However, as the school year starts to approach the uncertainty rises again in full force and questions about the future keep me up late into the night. Will we be able to have in person classes? Will the incoming students spread COVID-19 to everyone in the community? How can I keep myself and my loved ones safe? Am I doing things right? Am I following the guidelines correctly or have I been too lax in some situations and have inadvertently put people I care about at risk? Will we be forced to go on lockdown again? What about spring, will I be able to study abroad? No one knows at this point, as no one really knows when this pandemic will end or how bad it will be before we can get it successfully contained.

In other veins of emotional turmoil, I've been stressed lately trying to deal with all of the prep for school, work in general, surviving in general, and trying to maintain a social life in COVID times. For friends and family it's been fairly easy, as I've gotten into the habit of calling at least one person a day to check in and see how they're doing. Whether phone call, face-time, text, or audio messaging; technology has been a blessing to maintain long-distance connections. As more of my friends return to school (negative COVID tests in hand), it has been a joy to be able to see them again and catch up face-to-face on a walk in the park after literally months of not seeing them in person after our spring semester was abruptly cut short.

However, one area of social connection I've been severely lacking in has been romance. The pandemic was not kind to a lot of relationships, my own romantic one being one of them. Trying to deal with a breakup along with everything else going in the initial weeks of the pandemic hitting the United States hard was an emotional roll coaster I'd rather not dive too deeply into right now. Anyways, now that things have returned to a semblance of normalcy in Vermont, I've started to see friends step back into the dating scene and in turn have found myself yearning more than I have in months for a relationship with someone. Now, don't get me wrong-I'm someone who is perfectly content as a single woman and am fully capable of having fun by myself or with friends. Yet I can't stop craving an intimate relationship with someone. I miss being able to walk up to someone and give them a kiss without hesitation, to sneak up behind them and engulf them in a hug, or have the same event happen to me. To hold someone close and gaze at the stars, to feel a connection beyond what words can explain, to be truly with someone else-to belong to each other by a choice held together by love. This may seem heavily romanticized and I can't deny that many of my ideals of romance have been ingrained in me through enculturation and societal views pressured into me since I was a child. But I also can't deny that a large part of me really frickin' wants that.

The last week or so I have been feeling such strong yearnings for things that were...not only relationships I used to be in but also the sense of normalcy in the world. To be able to shake a strangers hand or see someone's smile walking down the street. To give people hugs without worrying about transmitting a terrible disease. To hike in groups and camp together, to dance into the night or laugh while watching a movie with fifteen other people scrunched into a tiny dorm room.

Yearnings for things that could have been...an entire second half of a semester at college, saying goodbye to my senior friends, racing a half marathon, going to Colorado for an internships, traveling to Canada, meeting new people, and so much more.For things that are uncertain in the future...wondering when I will find romance again, wishing that everyone I love stays save, hoping I can study abroad in the spring (which I am praying still could happen). For new connections instead of missed connections. To run with my friends. Heck, to swim in a pool again! (It's been literally months). And most of all, to live a safe and healthy world where you don't have to fear doing simple activities like going to the grocery store.

I understand that my feelings may seem insignificant to others. A lot of times they seem insignificant or unimportant to me, as I constantly tell myself to be grateful for all the wonderful things I do have. Comparing myself to others is never a great idea, but a less talked about comparison is how we (or at least I catch myself doing this) often compare ourselves to others and say, "oh, look at how hard their life is, it could be so much worse for us". Which is completely true and valid, and I don't want to downplay anyones pain and suffering as I recognize all of the privilege I have as a white woman from a middle class family attending college. However, there is a negative trend in this thinking as it gives us permission to push off our feelings as irrelevant or unnecessary and instead of accepting them and letting ourselves feel the sorrow or pain or misery we instead shove everything aside "because it could be worse".

This is a habit I'm trying to break, and instead trying to let myself be sad or angry or frustrated or whichever one of the million emotions I have felt or could feel at some point in time. As my aunt likes to say, just "throw yourself a pity party". Allow yourself to cry. To feel every positive and negative emotion out there.

The trick is to not get trapped into thinking that feeling is a permanent state. It may be longer than you'd like. Heck, you can be sad about something for years. It may not be prominent one day, but the feeling may pop up again months later even if you thought you'd gotten over it. And that's okay. One thing we humans have been blessed, or cursed, with is our complex web of emotions. Happiness is not a constant state. Neither is sadness. No emotion really is.

What I've been trying to focus on to get myself through these anxiety-inducing times is focusing on trying to feel whole. To allow myself to feel the whole spectrum of emotions, really experiencing the human condition in all of its colors.

It's not always pleasant.

I don't always succeed. I notice myself reaching for distractions, wether it's work or social media or something else; just to avoid certain feelings.

But I'm trying.

Which is all I really can do at this point, and all I ever really have been able to do and probably will ever be able to do.