overwhelmed

i dont know where the time has gone

i thought life would be less hectic once i graduated

i was wrong

i blink and the week has gone by

somehow even though

hours drag in the cafe

a rush to make a drink, grab a pastry

the drip drip drip of the machines mark the passing minutes

my other job is a blur of

typing, photographing, and edits

podcasts and music keep me company

somehow i’m still behind

outside of work i try to socialize

to catch up with far away friends

and spend as much time with the ones close by before i leave

time is slipping away

the days of travel are being solidified

an end-date is drawing near

bringing with it all the stress and fervor

of trying to get everything in order

i’ve been distracted with repairs

disasters and concerns in the friend group

my own cyclical issues that love to pop up

when most inconvenient

worries about the future

summer fieldwork

travel

grad school

visas

finances

opportunities taken and not

love

war

life in general

in comparison to what i’ve faced in the path

this seems like nothing

and yet i find it hard

to get out of bed in the morning

and to go to sleep at night

trying to find the energy

to make lists and do the things on them

to reach out to people and meet up

i’m falling into the state of languishing

the persistent feeling of blaze

not burnout

not excelling

not peacefully enjoying existence

a feeling of numbness ebbed by stress

slowly growing into overwhelming worry and doubt

the winter blues have got me good this year

and the fire burning around me

is dragging me deeper into the ashes

it may seem dramatic

but it was either this or

screaming into the void

running in a snowstorm

cutting off all my hair

and while vermont is pretty vacant

its a long path to nowhere

and a hint of my rationally remains

along with my desire to stupidly somehow persist

in keeping up this little blog

so here we are

i hope you’re having a better day