Struggles & Gratitudes

It’s been a hard year. Right now I’m in a state of struggling to be grateful as things continue to crumble and crash down around me and I can’t decide wether to scream or curl up into a ball and cry. I’ve done both. Neither seem very effective.

I keep catching myself distracting. Reaching for my phone, getting lost in the internet, trying to be working, anything except staying still and sitting in my own thoughts. Meditating is the thing furthest from my mind right now since the last thing I want is to be stuck in my head.

‘Cause that’s how I feel—stuck. Study abroad cancelled. School shutting down for winter. Nowhere to go as activities are restricted. Trying not to relapse. Trying to keep my head above the water. Trying to focus on the positives, what I‘m grateful for.

Yet this year as I start to write down my annual gratitudes, things seem superficial.

Yes I’m grateful for the roof over my head, for food on the table, for the outdoors, for having a body that can move. I recognize how privileged I am to be able to pay for rent, to have family and friends that support me, to be healthy (and hopefully stay that way).

But I can’t stop myself from thinking about all of the things I’ve lost this year, dreams taken away, loves lost, friendships tedious, community, spontaneity, comfort. These past few months especially I’ve lived in a world of fear and anxiety.

Fear of getting COVID. Fear of making someone else sick. Fear of disappointment, of let-down, of loss, of missed connections, of failure, and so much more. Anxiety around this entire situation. Stress from plans constantly getting rewritten, from never truly knowing who is safe and who is not. Living in a state of constantly weighing risk and reward. Of looking ahead and looking backwards, trying to stay in the present and failing as the near future is not a place I want to exist in.

I wish I could skip through time to when the pandemic is under control. When I have a chance of going to New Zealand. When I don’t have to worry about meeting up with a friend. When dancing with strangers is okay again.

I’m grateful that I have those memories. That I’ve been able to taste some of what life has to offer, and hopefully will be able to again.

If anything, I’m so grateful for all the people in my life who care about me and I about them. For friends who let me crash on their couch. For hiking buds who will climb any mountain with me. For friends who may be many miles but only a phone call away. For amazing professors, colleagues, and fellow students who continue to inspire, challenge, and support me. For family most of all, who always have my back and don’t mind hearing me rant about everything going right or (more often) wrong in my life.

This Thanksgiving wasn’t at all what I expected it to be. But even amongst the chaos and the struggles and the stress, it was nice to be reminded that there are still things worth living for.