The Fear of Being Alone

At the beginning of this year I moved into a studio (single) apartment. I’m not gonna lie, I was nervous about living by my self. The apartment is in a complex in a safe part of town really close to campus so I wasn’t worried about street trouble, but I was worried about becoming lonely.

Even though I’m an only child, all of my life I have lived with others. Parents, room-mates, house-mates...the longest I’d been completely alone before this year was maybe 2 or 3 days at a time.

A lot of people have a fear of loneliness, of dying alone, of not finding anyone romantically (but that’s a different topic), and are apprehensive about being alone. Psychology Today defines loneliness as “the state of distress or discomfort that results when one perceives a gap between one’s desires for social connection and actual experiences of it. Even some people who are surrounded by others throughout the day...still experience a deep and pervasive loneliness. Research suggests that loneliness poses serious threats to well-being as well as long-term physical health.” Which means loneliness is often a mental state dependent upon an individual’s social requirements and whether or not those requirements are being met. It can differ for everyone, as introverts are more likely to need less social time than extroverts and the quality of time spent with others often takes precedent over the amount. For example, do you feel more fulfilled and connected when you can talk with an old friend for an hour or when you‘re at an event meeting a bunch of random strangers for three hours?

Coming back to Vermont, all travelers required to complete a 14-day quarantine or 7-days then a negative covid test result, which normally comes back on day 9~10. The state is also on semi-lockdown, so multi-household gatherings are banned (in/outside) so the only opportunity to see friends is on social distanced walks. Since I’m living alone, I have the opportunity to combine my “household” with another friends “household” which I’m looking forward to, but currently most of my friends are still away as school doesn’t start until February 1st. Anyways, what I’m trying to say is I’ll be living on my own with severely limited contact with others for at least a month. And that scares me.

I do have some advantages on my side such as experience entertaining myself (thanks only child life), my phone, the internet, a part-time job to keep me semi-occupied, and being able to see my few friends up here on hikes. So far...I’m okay. There’s definitely been some ups and downs, the nights are definitely the most lonely and sometimes in the morning I find I don’t want to get up out of bed (which is very unusual for me). Weekends are also tough. I’ve found that I’m constantly playing something in the background whether a podcast (I love Ologies, Let it Out, and To Be Honest), music (current favs are Achilles Come Down by Gang of Youths, Driver’s License by Olivia Rodrigo, and Pierre by Ryn Weaver), or an audiobook (still on my Rick Riordan kick). I’ve also watched more tiktoks and YouTube videos than I’d care to admit and binge-watched Bridgerton and the Queen’s Gambit on Netflix. While escaping into the internet isn’t my ideal way of spending time, social media does help me connect with others and watching videos or reading a book allows me to get lost in an alternative reality for a bit.

To stay present, I try to go for at least one walk outside everyday, even if the weather is crappy (I’ve been in Burlington since the 2nd and we’ve only had 2 day and 6 hrs of sunlight :( so helloooo seasonal depression). I also try to call or FaceTime 1-2 people a day which definitely helps. I’ve also been putting on random dance parties with just myself in the evenings while making dinner. Journaling also helps me get my thoughts out and I started going to therapy a bit after the pandemic hit and that’s definitley helped as well so I encourage anyone who’s working through personal issues or if you just need someone outside your family and friend group to talk to, please reach out to a therapist. Often insurance helps cover costs or if you’re a student sometimes your school or university will provide free counseling.

I have always felt a little bit of an outsider or a loner, especially when sitting or walking by myself and looking at happy friend groups or couples passing by...I couldn’t help feeling as though I was missing out on something. During these times and through other bouts of loneliness, I try to remember all of the good times I’ve had with others. Laughter, hugs, feelings of love and warmth. I imagine that my battle with loneliness will go on for quite a while more, but for now I’m trying to do what I can to get through this day, and the next, and the one after that. One step at a time. Even if the present may seem dark and grey, one of the few constants in life is change. I can do what I can to adjust my own mindsets and to try to reach out, connect, and help others as well while hoping the world starts to change for the better.