The Space Between

There‘s a quote by Tracee Ellis Ross that goes: “I am learning every day to let the space between where I am and where I want to be to inspire me and not terrify me.”

Well that space is currently terrifying me.

While the weekend in the woods was a nice break from civilization (we ended up hiking an intense 21 miles from Mount Mansfield on the Long Trail Southbound to the trailhead at highway I-89 and not the full 30 miles to Camels Hump) I found myself even more scattered and stressed this past week between car troubles, classes, and my anxious brain that has been spiraling more than normal.

Because I’m in a quote mood today I’ll throw in the age old favorite of “Comparison is the thief of joy” by Theodore Roosevelt, which speaks to one of the major reasons behind my spirals of late. Comparison to my peers, colleagues, my past self, the person I want to become.

I’m a dreamer. Which….has pros and cons. My imagination can stretch to the tallest heights and the farthest places. I’m a master of making up scenarios, coming up with backup plan A B and C, trying to think of flexible options if X or Y happens. I can envision myself in a van traveling the states, working in the alpine mountains in Alaska, studying in a library in Edinburgh, dancing on the ocean in New Zealand….there are so many different ways life can go.

Yet this ability also leads to picking apart pieces of my life and comparing them to my “ideal” or “dream” version of myself and my life.

What do you want to become? How? Are you achieving your goals? Why not? Are you doing enough? You are enough no matter what. What are the next steps you need to take to reach your dream? Oh don’t worry about it, just think and pray really hard and you can manifest anything. Wait you’re not getting what you want? Hmm maybe you didn’t try hard enough.

I want to do so much. To give so much. To experience everything the world has to offer. These are all concepts I’ve talked about before on the blog so I apologize if things are getting repetitive but I’ve been thinking about all of this a lot in the context of my life currently and how social media, society, and my own mindset all tie together.

For relationships (family/friends/lovers/humanity/nature)…..

I want to share love with friends and family. I want to be loved and give my heart to another. I want to make time for everyone. I want to do good for others, do a random acts of kindness every day, volunteer, donating money, to be able to tip more when I go out….I want to help clean up the earth, to grow, to be as sustainable as possible, to be a “perfect” vegan instead of a flexible lactose intolerant vegetarian.

I have silly physical goals like wanting to do the splits one day or do pull-ups like they‘re no big deal. I want to run a marathon, do a handstand, learn how to properly salsa dance, to get better at climbing, to do more strength training or random fun athletic events.

I have creative aspirations like one day wiring a book, painting a mural, small things like handmade cards for friends. There’s a million recipes I want to try or cooking challenges I want to do.

There’s finance and career goals I want to reach. I want to go to grad school, at least I think I do.

There’s so many things “I WANT” I often forget about what “I HAVE”. I have so many things to be grateful for. I have a strong family and friend support system. I may not have any romantic relations but I’m learning to fall in love with life. I’m going to school at a good university. I have a part time job I love and just had an amazing summer job. I have a bike and a car and a healthy body that all get me where I need to go. I am grateful for the earth and sunshine and good food and fall and laughter and so so much.

So why does my heart still ache so much? For all the things I don’t have and want to call my own. For the opportunities I wasn’t able to go on. For that special someone who is not by my side. For goals I’m not sure I’ll be able to reach. For failures and regrets.

I am trying to let the space between where I am and where I want to be…neutral. I want to aknowledge that space exists but I don’t want that space to terrify me or trap me in getting to worked up over how I can minimize the gap between my current and idealized self. I understand that life is not perfect and likely will never be. The best course of action is not to full force, head on try to go against the will of nature and change the world to align itslef with my dreams but to take the set backs with grace and let the ‘signs’ if you will of the universe lead me in the right direction while still following the path I make for myself.

Which is a long and complicated way of saying adapt, overcome, and persevere.